Turn Off My Heart
by angel6.d
Summary: Song Fic. Escape is often the easier route to take, escaping yourself however, is often one of the hardest things to do. B/B. Angst. Chpt 2 Up!
1. Turn Off My Heart

**Title: **Turn Off My Heart

**Pairing: **Booth/Bones

**Rating: **T

**Summary: **Remembering not to fall in love, or to say it out loud, is one of the hardest things to do.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own, so please, do not sue.

**AN: **I recently discovered this song, and I absolutely fell in love with it. After listening to the song a few dozen times, this idea came to me and wouldn't leave, so here it is. Also, a great big thank you goes out to That Old Black Magic, for helping me out! Enjoy!

* * *

He stood, leaning against the closed door of his refrigerator, with a cold beer in hand, and for the moment, his bittersweet refuge from the world. The fight, or more fittingly, the cold, hard slap of reality was still replaying in the little part of his mind that had held on, so dearly to that silly notion of, "hope."

Silently Booth padded across the cold tile floor into his living room, turning on the radio as he made his way over to the dark leather couch. The sound of a slow melody and calming piano pierced the gloomy air that had settled over his home upon his arrival.

He took a long swig of his beer, holding the bottle loosely around the neck as he sunk back into his couch. His eyes fluttered shut as a soothing voice emanated from the surrounding speakers, and for a moment, it seemed like the night had stopped.

If only, for a moment.

_I've been lost in Los Angeles  
Nothin but big blue skies and breasts._

The slow, sultry, and touching voice blared through the speakers, washing over him.

_Crawlin down sunset on my hands and knees  
Lookin for somethin to give my heart a rest._

The words entered his being, landing on his heart, pulling and tugging his heart strings this way and that. The lump in his throat grew larger as he forced his dark eyes open, the spark in them gone with the arrival of night. Staring at darkened screen of his TV in front of him, he reflected once more on his fight with Brennan.

_I've been dreamin' about your hips again  
The way they move when you shake your head._

God, she was beautiful, everything about her, from her amazing talent, her bookish, squint-y ways, to the way she never grasped pop-culture references. But of course, he couldn't just tell her that she was the very picture of perfection in his eyes, that all he wanted to do was make her his, to be with her to his dying day. Of course not, with Bones, it wasn't that simple.

In his eyes, she was heaven sent. He'd never seen anyone so stunning and so unaware on the effect she had on others... or on him more specifically. His hand reached up, snaking its way, rather roughly throwing his hair for a few moments, until finally he leaned back further into the couch, covering his eyes.

"FUCK!" He yelled, momentarily drowning out the sounds that had been dancing throughout his home.

_I've been scheming to kiss your lips again  
So baby why dont you just crawl right back into bed._

He'd been perfectly content with just being her friend, her partner. Until that kiss, that stupid kiss. Well that wasn't fair, it hadn't been anywhere near being stupid. As a matter of fact, it had been anything _but_ stupid, it had been amazingly pleasurable, exciting, and at the same time, it seemed so _normal_. It hadn't felt awkward; her lips hadn't felt unfamiliar or cold. He'd felt feelings that to him, were indescribable.

That kiss had lit a fire in his heart that he couldn't quite depict, nor did he think he wanted to try to. He'd had hope for them in that moment, renewable optimism in the world. But he supposed that that was just the beginning of the end, the final flicker of light in the wind.

Nevertheless, ever since then, he'd wanted to experience that feeling again. Now, an innocent hug, or an accidental brush of their hands hadn't been enough for him. He needed to feel her lips on his again, and it seemed, so did she, especially after everything that had happened. But, he'd been raised right, a gentlemen, he couldn't take advantage of her; he _wouldn't_ take advantage of her.

She was worth waiting for. And she had been, no matter how much the pain that the shards of his obliterated heart was causing him, he knew in his bleeding heart that she was worth anything, and everything.

It had been about three weeks since the situation with Zack had occurred, when she'd come to his apartment. She hadn't said much that night, she'd just taken the drink he'd offered her, and ignored his inquisitions about why she was here at this late hour. Until finally, she'd spoken up, maybe it had been the drinks they'd had, or something in her had cracked, but nothing could've prepared him for what she was about to say when she'd finally spoken:

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

He couldn't say no. Not then, not to her, not when he was looking into those big cerulean eyes of hers. She'd looked so lost, so unsure of herself, so _not_ who he knew she was. He'd simply nodded and offered her the bed, but of course she refused, pulling him along with her, telling him they were both adults.

The first night, they'd simply shared the same bed, finding comfort in the heart of the night in each others arms.

But it had only progressed, faster and faster each night, until finally; they had crossed that golden line, the point of no return. And he would've been a liar if he said it hadn't felt amazing, unlike anything he could ever even begin to describe. Everything about that night had been beyond words. That morning she'd left in the morning for work, leaving behind a note:

Booth,

Enjoy your day with Parker.

- Brennan

She'd not even made any sly mention about the night before, about what had happened, and when she'd come back in the evening two nights later, he'd known why. He hadn't even had to ask, just looking at her, her demeanor, he understood. She'd reverted back to her old ways, back into her shell, surrounding herself by facts, rather than taking another chance and venturing outside of _her_ world to see how the rest of the world _felt_. To see how _she_ felt.

That night, her eyes had been different, resembling icy, nearly grey orbs. He'd known right then, that this, to her was nothing more than a source of release.

* * *

He wasn't nothing to her, but he wasn't _something_ either.

_

* * *

_

Cuz I forgot to turn off my heart, like I said would  
and I know I should  
This Rollin' stone, come to a stop

But, even as she fell back into her old, well-worn path, he fell more and more in love with her. Despite their mutual understanding that this, whatever_ this_ was between them, was nothing more than something of a, "friends with benefits," relationship, it was one-sided. He couldn't help it; she was the woman that he loved.

And he'd told her so, much to her dismay.

It had been earlier in the evening, he'd been at her place, lying in bed with her, playing with a stray curl of hair as he lay, propped up on his elbow next to her, her back to him. He could specifically pinpoint the moment that had unraveled everything, that had single-handedly taken their, "mutual understanding," ripped it up and tossed it into an angry pit of fire. It had been the moment when she'd turned her head, ever so slightly to look at him, the ghost of a smile playing on her lips. But it had been the look in her eyes that had killed him, that had released every ounce of restraint into the wind, that had made him lose every rational thought within him.

When she'd looked at him, he could've sworn he'd seen something in her eyes, the same kind of soft, kind, almost... dare he say it... loving look she used to give him.

It had been at that moment when he'd lost all control, and his mouth had taken on a life of its own: "I love you," he'd told her softly, trailing his hand down the side of her neck, slowly, tantalizingly to her shoulder, until he'd realized what he'd said.

"Booth… I thought we had an understanding," she replied, pulling away from him ever so quickly as she moved to wrap the sheets around her, and with it, every last one of her self-protecting walls.

He gaped at her, unsure of what to say, what to do. "I'm sorry… I," but then he caught himself, as a hot flash of anger rose in his chest. "No, I'm not sorry. I love you Bones. I know this isn't you, this cold, if-I-don't-feel-I-won't-get-hurt crap. I know you, and _this_ isn't you." He waved an angry hand, gesturing.

She simply stared at him, her face blank as he supposed she absorbed what he was saying, maybe rationalizing what she would say next.

Her bone-chilling eyes pierced through him as she regarded him. But what she'd said next had completely shattered his heart.

"Don't call me Bones."

It was then that he knew. It was all over, he'd never get to touch her again, to hold her, to kiss her, to make love to her, to love her – nothing.

He'd gathered his clothes, and made a quick exit.

_

* * *

_

I've been sinkin' in my bed again  
Oh I can't sleep when we're apart  
I've been thinkin' about what you said again  
I gotta make up my mind and let down my guard

And now, here he was, knocking back beer after beer, trying desperately to consume enough alcohol so that, at least for a few hours the pain would stop. He just wanted to forget about tonight, he'd lost the woman he loved, the only woman who could truly take him from 0 to 100 and back again in less than 60 seconds.

He'd given up on sleep hours ago, it was useless because every time he closed his eyes, he saw her there, sitting on the bed, cold and completely unlike the woman he knew she was. He kept replaying those last few moments, when she'd just stared at him, like he was the most peculiar thing she'd ever laid those beautiful eyes of hers on.

Those few moments, after all he'd gone through, were undoubtedly the most painful moments of his life. Was it possible for your heart to break from hearing just four words?

_Cuz I forgot to turn off my heart, like I said would  
And I know I should  
This Rollin' stone, come to a stop._

He'd loved with all his heart, and despite the consequences, he knew he would always love her – she was his everything, his heart, his soul, his world.

But, it was over now, simply because he forgot not to fall in love with his angel from above.

**

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**

**AN:** Hope someone out there liked it. Just in case you were wondering, the song is called, "**Turn Off My Heart**," by **Rich Price**. Thanks for reading!


	2. The Way I Feel

**Title: **The Way I Feel

**Pairing: **Booth/Bones

**Rating: **T

**Summary: **Escape is often the easier route to take, escaping yourself however, is often one of the hardest things to do.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own, so please, do not sue.

**AN: **This is the second part of the story. This one goes out to everyone who requested a continuation. Also, thank you to all of you for you feedback to the first chapter! And, I cannot forget, I have to give a special thank you to my dear friend, That Old Black Magic for putting up with my craziness, and for her unwavering encouragement! Enjoy!

* * *

She lay on her couch, spoon in one hand, Ben & Jerry's in the other, starring at the far wall as she dug to the bottom of the tub. The events of the night were unfolding for the umpteenth time in her head, as once again, her inner scientist scrutinized every word, sound, even every moment of silence – but to no avail. She couldn't for the life of her understand how it was that Booth had let it get this far. Didn't he understand that she wasn't looking for, "love." She was, and had only been looking for satisfaction, and he'd known that. Hadn't he?

She sat up now, her inner detective curious now, ready to set its magnifying glass on another aspect of the situation at hand.

Hadn't he understood that they'd had an unspoken agreement? Didn't he realize that this had _just_ been sex?

She scoffed at the thought, as she put another spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. No one could be that ignorant, Booth wasn't a lot of things, but he _was_ extremely perceptive. He had to have known that telling her that he loved her would bring absolutely no good. He had to have realized that his proclamation would send their unspoken arrangement into a red-hot pit of angry flames.

Anger welled up inside of her at this thought. Had he done this on purpose? Did he think that she was incapable of handling the truth, that she was too _sensitive_ or something equally girly? She handled dead bodies in all sorts of states that normal people would find completely and totally disgusting after all.

Her blue eyes flashed dangerously as she grabbed her keys, leaving her ice cream and ration behind as the front door slammed shut.

* * *

It wasn't too long after, that she was stomping towards her partners' door, and then banging her fist against it, not caring if he was sleeping. Who the hell did he think he was, she didn't need his pity, and she didn't want it for that matter.

It was a few seconds until finally she heard rustling behind the door, then the sound of locks being opened, and then the face of her partner.

"Bo – Sorry, Dr. Brennan, what are you doing here?" Booth asked, his eyes wide as he processed the fact that she was standing in front of his door.

She simply rolled her eyes. "Do you really think I'm that stupid Booth? You couldn't just be honest with me? I'm not a child; I am a grown woman, who I thought you respected enough to at least be truthful with."

Booth's expression became one of complete and utter confusion mingled with shock. "What the hell are you talking about? What truth?"

"You know exactly what I mean Booth. You told me that you loved me, to scare me off, instead of being the normal dominant alpha male that you are, and telling me like it is. If you wanted to stop our little late night events all you had to do was say so." She retorted, her patience with the man in front of her wearing thinner and thinner as she took in his confused expression.

"Okay, let me get this straight. I told you the truth and then you basically punch me in the gut, and now, you're here telling me that _I'm_ basically ridiculous for not telling you the 'truth,' right?" She watched as he looked down at her for confirmation, she nodded. "You should call Sweets."

"Excuse me? My mental health is perfectly fine."

"You know what, I'm not going to stand here and argue with you. I told you that I loved you, and I meant it. Fine, I get it, you don't love me back, but don't come here, and try to rub that fact in my face. And for the record, what happened between us was _not_ just some, 'late night event,'" he told her, using air quotes, verbally throwing her words back at her. "But it's nice to know that it meant _so _very much to you." He told her dryly. "So if we're done here, I've got a few more alcoholic beverages calling my name, I'll see you at work." And with that, he closed the door.

The words shocked, stunned, surprised, flabbergasted, and astonished came to mind as she watched his door close in her face quickly followed by a strange tug somewhere in her chest. She leaned back on the wall behind her as her speedy brain processed what Booth had just said. She had collected the evidence, and now, she had the facts: Booth without a doubt was in love with her and she without a doubt had broken his heart.

But she shouldn't care, should she?

The line she'd drawn in the sand for herself, the walls protecting her heart, blocking all emotion, period, it was all becoming fuzzy as she questioned herself. This was all so strange for her. Why now? Why was she all of a sudden so unsure of herself?

She gathered herself, shaking away all of her insecurities for the moment as she began her trek back to her car. She needed advice, she needed a friend, and in short, she needed Angela.

* * *

"Sweetie, hi," Angela said, Hodgins standing behind her a little uncomfortably, sleep still in his eyes. "Are you okay? What happened? Come in, come in."

"I'm guessing I'm not needed here. I'm going back to bed." Hodgins said, making an exit before he got pulled into the, 'girl talk,' that he was certain was about to ensue.

"He gets a little cranky when he's woken up at ungodly hours, don't mind him. Anyways, what's going on?"

"Booth told me he loved me." She replied simply.

Angela's face went from one of concern to absolute delight, finished with a mega-watt smile. "Okay. Full story, from start to finish!" she all but squealed.

It was about five minutes later and Angela's face had fallen when Brennan was finished, all traces of her smile gone. "Sweetie, I mean this in this best way possible, as your friend and all, but you're an idiot! He told you that he loved you! I know you okay; you're not as unattached as you try to be. Why else would you go to Booth to get your freak on with? You feel safe with him. Despite everything that's been going on lately sweetie, you need to let it go, it's hard, but you have to. None of it was your fault. If you keep holding on to the bad, you won't be able to hold on to the good. And trust me when I tell you this, Booth is definitely _good_."

"I went to him because he understood me. It had nothing to do with safety. I could take down just about anyone. He knew that I didn't want anything _real_ with him, that's why I went to him." She said, uncertainty swimming in her eyes.

Angela shook her head at her friend. "Oh sweetie, don't you understand, you and him _are _real. But you've hurt him sweetie, and I'm not sure that he's going to be there when you finally realize that you want to fix things."

Her mouth opened and closed several times before she spoke again. "But, how am I supposed to know if I want to fix things if I don't even know if I really care about what he said."

"I can't tell you to care, and I can't answer the question about whether or not you _do_ either. Only you have the answer to that question." Angela told her friend. "But, at the same time, would you really be sitting here, trying to figure it out if you didn't? Just think about it." She said with a small smile.

"I don't know." She replied, giving her friend a blank stare.

Angela stood up from the comfortable sofa, "Hot chocolate?" she asked, and after receiving a nod, she set about making the drinks.

* * *

She sat in her car, turning it on, switching on the radio in the process, before she went to put her seatbelt on.

_No it never crossed my mind  
You might try to hide from me  
You would set the place on fire  
With your long and broken wrecking shriek_

A slow beat filled her car, followed by a gentle voice, the sincerity of it captivating her as the words of the song entered her.

_Always aiming for the truth  
Sometimes missing just one word  
Something real is shaken loose  
Look around to see the cities burn_

She closed her eyes, the events of tonight replaying her head as she did. Trying her best to rifle through her mess of thoughts and find some kind of meaning, some kind of answer. That was what she did, right? Find answers to impossible questions – and right now, this kind of question, about feelings and the like, were impossible for the great Dr. Brennan.

_It's just the way I'm feelin'  
__Lost without the meanin'  
__The love has disappeared without a trace  
__It's just the way I'm feelin'  
__You're gone and now I'm leavin'  
__I'm holding back the tears  
__That hide my face  
__It's just the way I'm feelin'_

Her eyes flew open as the words of the song had begun to wrap around her, the heavy truth behind them crushing her. He was gone. Wasn't he? She had turned him down, her best friend and her partner, stared him in the face and threw his words back at him.

_You were never forced to choose  
__I tried to keep you safe from harm_

He'd always been there for her, helping her despite her best attempts at shunning him away, at trying to keep her heart hidden and safe. But now, it seemed it had all been in vain. She'd never once, asked him to help her, to bully his way into her life, and more importantly past the protective walls of her heart.

Now it was her turn to help him, wasn't it?

_And now there's nothing left to lose  
__You've gone and torn my world apart_

She reminisced on the beginning of their friendship, their partnership. Never had she imagined that this man – albeit he was good-looking, and most certainly a good life mate – would make her question herself so much. That he would take her so far away from everything that she knew. He was all heart, all feeling whereas she would run from that as fast as she could, she was objective, rational, and factual.

Why the hell, of all the people in the world had he chosen to fall in love with her? She was everything he disliked, and he'd made that perfectly clear when he'd come grudgingly to the Jeffersonian, "squints," he'd called them. He felt that they were beneath him, just the stepping stones to the real path of glory.

But now, none of that mattered, _none of it_. She'd been foolish enough to give the final push, to keep away the one person who cared enough to keep trying to get through to her when everyone else had given up. Angela was right, she was an idiot.

_All that's left for me is you  
__A shadow of my former self_

After what had happened with Zack, she'd lost her inner battle to keep her distance with people. The further they are from you, the more unattached you are to them, the less pain it causes you. She couldn't willingly put her heart on the chopping block anymore, it was too painful, and it was too damn hard.

But now, it didn't even matter, because despite everything, she was feeling it now. She was slowly realizing that all she wanted was to be back in that bed, curled up with Booth, his arms wrapped around her.

But it was too late now.

_It's just the way I'm feelin'  
__Lost without the meanin'_

She was who she was – she was an objective, logical anthropologist and woman. These questions were those of weakness, she couldn't put her heart through that again, especially if there was a very good chance that she could get burned.

It wasn't worth the risk, and he wasn't worth the pain. In a moment, she knew she was wrong. He was worth it, it was just that she had realized it too late.

And once more, like a candle in the wind, the glimmer of hope that she would escape her shadows, her inner demons disappeared.

_The love has disappeared without a trace  
__It's just the way I'm feelin'_

Like a switch, she turned her heart off, as she drove off into the night.

It was over now.

**

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**

AN:

I hope you liked it! The song is called, "The Way I Feel," by Paul Oakenfold ft. Ryan Tedder, if you've got a moment give it a listen! Thanks for reading!

**-angel6**


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